By a stroke of luck and some spontaneity I got to have lunch with my friend, Emily, The Nester and Lysa TerKeurst, of Proverbs 31 Ministries. How sweet it was to laugh and chat and eat sweet potato biscuits with these amazing women. I sat there drinking in the creativity, vision and passion for the Lord. Every time I opened my mouth to speak I prayed that something witty, insightful or inspiring would come out. I'm pretty sure I failed miserably and while Emily eloquently described the things to which God has called her, a little voice boomed in my head. You will never be like her, or any of them for that matter, it reminded me. And sadly, I agreed. After nearly two hours, I got in my car to head home and all those thoughts, doubts and insecurities came flooding back. That little voice in my head became a roar, screaming my inadequacies.
The radio came on, much louder than I remember leaving it when I got out of the car. Loud enough to drown out the voice for just a moment. In that moment, it was like Jesus reached into the car, grabbed my shoulders and shook me good and hard. Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace? The words filled the car. Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough? The singer's voice wrapped around my heart and squeezed. Look at these hands and my side. They swallowed the grave on that night..I want to give you life. Please don't fight these hands that are holding you. My hands are holding you. The tears came, quickly and freely.
Have I really been striving that much? Have I really convinced myself that He is not enough for me? Have I really been fighting His hands? The unfortunate answer is yes. And probably for a very, very long time. This afternoon I'm realizing that by striving for others' approval and living my life in a manner that says Jesus is not enough, I am totally laughing in the face of what He did on the cross. I am saying His acceptance, and the pain, the isolation He endured to secure that acceptance, is worthless. Living life like I have to wage war on all my insecurity, loneliness, despair and desperation by myself is an insult.
I think a lot of times I forget that, as Emily says, the Gospel really is good news! I forget that He fought and conquered Death and Hell…for me. And I forget that in allowing the voices to scream about my inadequacies, like my lack of eloquence or wit, I am fighting against the very hands that were broken so they could deliver me from all that. I am fighting the hands that want to usher me into a full and abundant life. The reality is that Jesus is more than enough and this battle I insist on fighting is the Lord’s. He has already won it! I can rest in His victory. I just have to give up the fight.
"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today…
The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still."
-Exodus 14:13-14
29 comments:
My best friend Mojomom goes to this church that she really likes. I have gone with her on occasion and at her request, listened to some of the sermons online. I do this because she's my friend, and she has few people in her life that she can discuss stuff like that with. The thing is, her church seems to prescribe to the "thou shalt feel guilty, feel like you aren't good enough for God, constantly repent for your flaws" doctrine.
I just don't understand that train of thought. I have always attended churches that tell you that God wants you to CELEBRATE your life, to "rejoice and be glad in it". While they have taught me that I should try to grow and develop in my faith and living a good life, that He loves me in my imperfection. He gives me the great gift of Choice in how I live my life, and expects me to have Faith in Him and come back to Him when I fail or find myself lost.
I don't know, I guess I like to think of God as the perfect Father. The one person who can see every single fault, flaw and crack and love me completely and totally. The one who can teach me to love myself as well.
I don't often comment on religion because it's such a personal thing, but I read your post and I am so glad for you that you had this realization because if there is one thing that I passionately, firmly, fully believe in without doubt it's that God is most present and there WITH us when we doubt, when we fear, when we find those imperfections with ourselves. I really truly believe that He looks at us with those benevolent eyes and says 'my child my child...if you could only see your potential the way I do. You are MY child.'
I dont know. My outlook on Life, God and most things are probably a little bit off beat. I just think that the ability to recognize our flaws is what make us truly beautifully human.
By the way, you ARE inspiring and eloquent and I would love to know what a Sweet Potato Biscuit is. I do not think we have those in Ohio. :-)
I knew there was a reason you called today. At exactly the right time. For exactly the right place. I am so glad you were there. And by the way, I have had these exact same conversations with myself that you just so eloquently described in this post. Thank you for being vulnerable and real and open. You are a gift.
Girl, if I was as far along at your age as you are, I would love to see me and my big self now! You are such a doll and I so enjoyed meeting you.
I was so glad when emily told me that you were coming--I knew that was totally meant to be I mean, what were the odds?
Come see me up here anytime, we can talk about the piedmont triad together. good times!
Oh wow. I was just going to comment that you are so lucky to get hang with suck awesome chicks. But as I read on, you feel the same as I do about myself. Always doubting and checking myself. Wondering if others think I am good enough. Worried that I am trying to hard, but sad when it looks like other let me down.
I needed this post! THANKS!! You are awesome!!
Oh I needed that verse more than you could possibly imagine!!
That gives me so much comfort in the time of college applications and whether they like me or not. It gives me a little strength knowing that God is on my side and will pick the best one for me.
this was a very touching post and almost made me cry.
Hey! I'm visiting your blog from Lysa T's! Wow! What fun y'all had yesterday! And you even got sweet potato biscuits!! (We're having sweet potato French fries for supper tonight!!)
Oh, girl, I so loved this post! You've hit the nail on the head for so many of us. We think that we have to do it all when He's already done it for us. Your writing said it so beautifully--that's one of the gifts that He has blessed you with. Continue to use it to glorify Him.
I'll be back to visit!
Many blessings,
Susan
Wow, that must've been amazing lunch, girl!
I know the struggle of feeling inadequate and feeling like you are not measuring up...but you are special and God has great things for you.
Lovely post, you are eloquent!
Blessings,
Melissa
Yipee - now I get to be the jealous one (in a completely spiritual kind of way). We missed you for our Triad lunch last week, but look at the blessings that came your way yesterday.... :)
Oh, Sweet Friend, I'm crying after reading your first paragraph. How often we all have those thoughts and feelings of inadequacy. Thank you for sharing your heart so intimately. What a powerful blog! I love how God spoke to you through the song. I pray that He gives you a tiny view of just how amazingly spectacular YOU are! Sweet blessings from Oregon, Amy
Oh, Sweet Friend, I'm crying after reading your first paragraph. How often we all have those thoughts and feelings of inadequacy. Thank you for sharing your heart so intimately. What a powerful blog! I love how God spoke to you through the song. I pray that He gives you a tiny view of just how amazingly spectacular YOU are! Sweet blessings from Oregon, Amy
We were talking about this very thing at the Kimba brunch... how it's so easy to look on a screen (or face-to-face) and see women who you think you should be like, who you admire, who you hope like you and let you into their cool lady world! And the truth is everyone is desperate and imperfect and flawed and in need of a God who is a perfect Father, just like Ann Ominous said, a Father who longs to give good gifts to His children. This was a good gift, Kristen, and I'm THRILLED that you heard and accepted that truth. It makes your thoughts on deleting not-good-enough posts appear in a different light; your words are significant because they're your Father's words expressed through you, through a unique you. That's all. That's enough. It's so cool to see you free from that lie of inferiority and striving. Awesome. I can't wait to see you in a couple of weeks!
Beautiful, insightful, witty and 100% you. God created you uniquely and originally "you." I'm so glad you didn't try to write this post as someone else, because it wouldn't have been nearly as authentic, moving or anointed.
You are gifted. And I think God is very much smiling on you today.
Blessings to you,
Sandy Cooper
www.godspeakstoday.blogspot.com
God has been speaking to me a lot lately about striving, also. Thanks for sharing your heart; it's beautiful.
Oh He sees us so differently than we do ourselves...
I love that He made each and every one of us unique. We can't look like anyone else. He gave us things that were individual to us, our fingerprints, our heartbeat our shadow of Him. I wrote about that shadow on my blog the other day. In His image, His shadow we are created. If we all stand up outside with the sun hitting our backs, casting a shadow on the ground, no two shadows will be alike. He made our shadows unique. We uniquely reflect Him in our own way. I LOVE that.
There's no one to compare myself to as there is no other me.... That is so freeing!
I too found you from Lysa's blog.
It's nice to meet you. I hope you'll stop by my place for a visit.
Hugs,
Julie
wow, thank you. my eyes are watering over this message. you are not alone in feeling like this. I think this is the way many women feel. by the way I found you from Lysa's blog
Praying that today God is all over you smothering you with His great love for you. You are a beautiful daughter of God and He adores you so much!
Thank you for sharing your heart!
I am visiting from Lysa's site, and I am sitting here in awe because you have written the very thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis. And you have come to the conclusion that is so true, yet sometimes so hard to actually believe.
I love your blog...it is beautiful...but I was really sold when I saw what was written by your wedding picture. We used that exact same wording on our wedding invitations and on our unity candle. It expressed so beautifully how we felt about each other.
What a great post!!! Those type of feelings are normal but how we use them and deal with them is what matters!! Don't give them room in your brain!
-Sandy Toes
Hi there! I am popping over after seeing your photo on Lysa Terkeurst's blog.
You're famous now you know!! :)
I really appreciate your heart. I love it when people are authentic...thanks for sharing your heart! :)
Remember that when those 'voices' come in your head to bring you down and doubt, it's usually because the Lord is wanting to use you in MIGHTY ways and the little 'voice' is skeeeeered and wants to stop you. So, my view is, if you have the voices then you're doing something right...just pray immediately to God and He'll take care. He's a GREAT voice squisher! lol
Thank you for sharing this. I think we all struggle with this. At least I know I do. It's so awesome when we're honest and transparent. It helps others tons!
~melody~
I've had the exact conversation with myself. Everyone else seems so much more - more everything. I love that the Lord used that song to snap you out of it.
such powerful words... thank you for writing them, and sharing. i think i may have needed that today.
WOW what a lovely post - I think you touched on how a lot of us feel at times, I know I do.
Oh, and what are sweet potato biscuits? they sound yummy!
Thanks for visiting my blog.
Have a wonderful weekend!
~Tidymom
i love that song....God has used it to speak to me as well. i feel inadequate on a daily basis but am reminded everyday that I am His beloved. He loves me for me. it's as simple and as complicated as that. i'm glad i found your blog!
Funny...I sit here now thinking I can't leave a comment because I am sure it won't sound as eloquent as the comments of others. Obviously, I also struggle with the feelings of inadequacy. :) This is a beautiful post. Convicting. Honest. Beautiful. Thank you.
Blessings,
K
I could relate a lot to this blog, thanks for the wonderful post!
That was gripping! Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. Just as Lysa said...
And, um, SWEET POTATO biscuits? I didn't get the sweet potato part from Lysa's post. I really need to try one of those.
Rena Gunther
I wandered over from Lauren's Wedding Wednesday today. Thank you so much for sharing this! It is wonderful! Kelly
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